Daddy, how was I born?

My husband and I met online and i am not ashamed of that. I wasn't really looking for a relationship online because i did not believe something real would actually happen online. There may be a possiblity but very rare, at least for me. But it happened... and here i am now, happily married to my husband whom i just met online.

I thought about sharing this story to you because it seems related to what i just told you.

A little boy goes to his father and asks ........

'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive..

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male!

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

It is so hot over here in Western New York and then suddenly it rains in some parts. It has been like this, very unpredictable. If it is hot here in this part of the US, I wonder how it is in some states like in Arizona where I see deserts in the movies. Is it really that hot over there? Speaking about deserts, I got a funny story I want to share.


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord

is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,
Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'

Winter Diary

I love snow, no kidding! It is so pretty especially when i am just looking from inside the house. But i hate it when i have to go out and brave the freezing, windy and icy road. It is so scary, i tell you! But i cannot forget the first time i see snow. I was so excited i had to call my husband at work and told him "honey, it is raining snow over here!" LOL! Here is a winter poem i want to share. This is quite long but try to read it through, it is hilarious!

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30F and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20F. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

I need your votes, please!

Who do you think is gonna win in the coming election? Are you for Obama or MacCain? Well, don't ask me 'cuz i honestly don't know. You know what, this election has got me day dreaming and seeing myself in this year's presidency election, LOL! I know it is impossible because I cannot be qualified to be a candidate since i wasn't born here. But if i could run for the presidency, i'm gonna be popular too because you would see me in the news like in this one:

But hey, don't take me seriously. That is just for fun, LOL! In this crisis that our country is going through these days, we a need a little laugh sometimes.

no updates....

I am so sorry for not having updated this blog for the past week. I can't believe it has been more than 10 days? I really apologize especialy to those who came here just to see nothing new, my bad! Anyway, here is my joke for the day, i mean the week, lol! It is about a lost puppy....

Lost Puppy

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help. Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded. She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

The Blind Bunny and the Blind Snake

(from TrulyFreebiesFriends)

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be a lawyer."

Marriage Counseling

This is a forwarded email from my husband, just wanna share, hoping to brighten your day.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this? 'The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

Man vs. woman: how to shower...

Why, why. why! Why do we always compare men and women in everything when we know for a fact that women are always superior over men, right girls? Anyway, after i posted those sexy photos of men here, husband got back and wanted to get even with me so he sent me something about how men and women take shower. Note the BIG difference!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face.Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something SO very wrong with you.
Have a great day! Oh, and....woo woo!!!

Cancel your credit card before you die!

My friend Babes sent me this joke! This is hilarious but is this really possible?

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges Still Apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this Part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part About her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still Apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given ) After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know What more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could Just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is wrong With these people?!?)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???

Disorder in the Courts

So you think all lawyers, i mean liars, i mean attorney-at-large are really brilliant people just because they talk in deep English using legal terms that only them could fathom? I wonder how witnesses could really understand these legal terms sometimes such that they would always suggest the use of metaphor so instead of saying " he showed his (private part) and began touching my (private part), a witness should use metaphor so he would say " he showed his metaphor and began touching my metaphor..." Isn't that funny? Talking about funny things that happen in an actual court hearing, here are some for your entertainment.

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Courts of America", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.. .

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Halloween costume ....

Halloween is coming folks and i'm sure you are already getting ready with your favorite halloween costume. Well, i haven't really done anything like that for halloween, i'm sure it would have been different if i got kids here. I just enjoy watching those kids in their cute halloween costumes. Hey, got you a funny joke i wanna share with you which i found hilarious! read on and have fun!

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring.He replies:"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!""OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying."My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?""Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Corruption

In my previous post, we talked about how rampant corruption is and mind you, it is not only in the Philippines, it is worldwide! You would be amazed to know about the statistics. I have learned that even in rich countries like the USA, there is corruption. So, what then is the difference between the corruption in the Philippines and corruption in the US? Well, here is the answer: In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to US! (joke, joke, joke!)

The Modern Inday

My friend Jane sent me this email about the modern Inday. Inday is the typical housemaid or babysitter rolled into one. Inday to me is our "angels" in the Philippine household. I used to depend a lot on Inday back in the Philippines because without her, I couldn't work and earn a living. Well, Inday has gone a long way. Our Inday has gone global. Let's take a look at the modern Inday. Thank you Jane for sharing this joke.

"I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the use of standard tools, and my discipline and experience will contribute significantly to the value of work that you want. My creativity, productivity and work efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can offer will boost the work progress..."

- sagot ni Inday sa interview ng bago nyang amo! (Inday's reply when interviewed by her new employer)

"Potatoes, when consumed in their raw state are rapidly converted to glucose that raises insulin levels because of its simple sugar. When cooked in high temperatures like French fries, they produce large amount of free radicals in the body causing aging, clotting, inflammation, cancer, weight gain. One French fry is worse that one cigarette."

- sagot ni Inday sa amo nya kung bakit di sya nagluluto ng French fries. (Nutritionist din pala si Inday!) (Inday's reply when her employer asked her why she doesn't cook french fries. So Inday is also a nutritionist huh!)

"It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can only imagine how you can handle schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your policies because it sucks!"
- Inday kasama si Junior sa principal's office. (Tulala ang principal) (Inday with Junior at the principal's office. The principal was shocked!)

"Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment inflicted upon you!"
- Inday, pinagbabawalan ang mga bata na wag malikot. (Inday telling the kids to stop moving around).

"Nurture others with positive, ruthful words, not words that hurt. It doesn't cost anything to do so. But mean what you say, and say what you mean. If you cannot be generous financially, at least be generous with your words."
- yan ang sabi ni Inday nung di sya pinautang at pinagmumura pa ng amo nya. (That's what Inday said to her employer when her employer denied her request to borrow money, and instead bad mouthed/cursed Inday)

"Dear Sir/Madam,

Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis."
- si Inday, nagpapaalam para mamalengke! (Inday asking permission to go to the market)

"The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize."
- nageexplain si Inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam (aba, career much si Inday!) (Inday explaining why the food she cooked was too salty)

"Listening to the nonsense talk about someone's life is a pathetic way of entertainment. It doesn't contribute to the good of the society. I hate character assassinators! "
- reklamo ni Inday ng natsismis sya ng kapitbahay! (di ko kinaya si Inday!) (Inday about her being the subject of gossip by a neighbor)

Amo: Bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?! (Employer asked why garbage is scattered all over the back of the house)
Inday: A change in weather patterns might have occurred, wreaking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.
Amo: (nosebleed!) (Employer nosebled!)

Siguro naman nabasa nyo na ang resignation letter ni Inday. May bago nang career ngayon si Inday. Isa na syang... Call Center Agent! (I guess you already read Inday's resignation letter as she has changed career. Inday is now ... a Call Center Agent!)