Stop sending me invites! I don't play!

I always get invites at FB for a lot of apps for games and i have always turned them down and finally blocked all these games.  I simply do not have the luxury of time to play these games.  I know that once i start it, it will get me hooked to it and nothing could get me going to do my other businesses like doing the laundry, cleaning, etc.etc.  There is nothing wrong with playing games but they're not for me right now. Besides, i hate to see my ass grow bigger and bigger, lol!  I already have enough of that.

It is snowing!

Snow came late this year compared to the previous years. It was snowing this morning when i got up but it did not last long though, and that was the first time this year. I don't like the thought of winter. The cold is killing me. My skin would start to dry including my lips. If you are in a cold place like Buffalo in NY where I live, I bet you could relate with this.

How to start a fight ....

My husband was giggling while reading his emails today and i wondered why. Well, this was what made him laugh and I admit, i find these jokes hilarious. Most of the time, i find my husband's jokes as corny but in fairness, this set was a big hit. Sometimes, just one simple word could start a fight especially between couples. So, if you want to piss your spouse or partner off, you can use some of these.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Senior snow plow....

I hate to go out in this freezing winter especially when it is snowing.  Poor husband has to do all the plowing and snow blowing because he cannot count on me on that, hehe!  I sit here inside the house watching him do all the work.  I wonder who is gonna do this stuff when we're old and too weak do to the plowing?  Are we gonna be like this?

Corporate Lesson

I believe it is normal for everyone to feel secure financially and one is through employment.  We want to work, work and work but once we got it, we always look forward to taking a vacation off work.  I was working for almost 20 years and during those times, i was wishing to get to that status in life when i can afford not to work so that i can sleep in everyday when i want to and i don't have to get up early and deal with a boss and co-workers with different personalities.  But speaking about work, here is a corporate lesson i wanna share with you today. 

Corporate Lesson:

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just One."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the first say.

How twins are made....

 Have you ever wonder how twins are made?  Well, here it is! They're so cute, aren't they?

Don't touch my bone!

When i was in high school, i was watching a suspense type of a movie in a theater with friends.  I remember we were standing because there were no more seats available.  In that part which was supposed to be the peak of the story where everyone held their breath, like no one is breathing, and my heart was beating so fast; then suddenly i screamed so loud.  I thought something hit me at my back!  Goodness! I found out it was the handle of my shoulder bag that fell off my shoulder, lol!  Well, this video i want to share with you is related to what i just told you.  Watch it, it is hilarious!

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes....

I love to learn different languages. Right now, i can say i can speak 2 languages - English and Filipino and two other Filipino dialects - Visayan and Ilocano dialects. I can understand a little Spanish and some local filipino dialects but could not speak these dialects fluently. If i have a chance, i would love to learn German, French and more Spanish. But anyway, if you are interested to learn other language like Chinese, here is a good way to start it off:

Don't take this seriously, lol! This is just for fun, no offense meant to the Chinese.

Why Women Are Crabby!

It is so hard or impossible to understand women. I always hear men say this. I admit, that is true. Even I, myself, can hardly understand myself, lol! Well, women is a unique creature, i guess. there is so much going on inside her - physically, emotionally and mentally. We are a bunch of serious creatures, lovable and capable of loving. We are different, indeed! But i love being a woman. Here are some funny facts about women, why we are crabby!

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while theOB ? says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing o n life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.

I guess you now understand why women are crabby, don't you? I guess not, lol!

ROR

LOL, which means laugh out loud is a very common term in online chatting and texting. Most of the time, we use LOL even we don't really mean it, just to convey we were amused. Now, what do you think Japanese chatters use when they mean LOL?

(Note: this is just a joke! No offense meant)

S U V

Two old guys were chatting..... One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV". Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally??

Ever wonder why?





It's because she smells like a new golf bag!

New HR Policy

When I was still with my previous job, employees would always make fun of new policies, rules and orders issued at work. Well, I can't blame them as most of these issuances are only for the papers or only good for at least a week but after that, back to how they way thing were. So, nothing seemed credible anymore. It just make me laugh just thinking about it especially when I got this email about a new HR policy. Read on and enjoy it! Just want to lighten your day.

To All Employees

Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days
1. We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days
1. Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called Sundays.

Compassionate Leave. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed in a trash bin nearest you.

Ngakkkkkk....

This email is intended to stated recipients only! Because they value a little joke from the management and they are ignorant of the fact that this will not become reality in any possible way!

So why waste time reading?

Ponderisms

A forwarded email i wanna share....

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why teachers need a month holiday....

I envy teachers sometimes because they get to have long breaks when it is school break, right? How i wish I could do that too! But do you know that it is not easy to deal with students especially kids? I am even complaining about dealing with my own kids when I only got four, LOL! How much more if you deal with more than four? Well, here is an example why teachers deserve a month holiday while we ordinary employees don't. We know the reason…. cuz they are so stressed out by our kids! Read the essays below. Just click on the image for a larger view.

How about these mathematics geniuses, LOL! The 4th one is my favorite, it cracked me up big time!

Filipino Excuse Letters

This is hilarious! These are supposed to be letters written by parents to school when their kids had to miss class. I remember when i was in grade school and i have to absent from class, i already have letters ready so mother just need to sign it. The letters were like formatted and ready for use and I just change reasons from headache to stomachache, toothache or LBM (loose bowel movement), LOL! At least i don't use the old alibi that one classmate would use all the time: that his grandma died, lol! Wonder how many grandma he got. Anyway, here are some letters, enjoy it!

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

9. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

10. Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

11. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

12. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

13. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Oh women!

My husband has been complaining about me saying something but mean another thing. I guess that's how women are, hard to understand as they say. If we say No, that might mean Yes! If we say OK, that might mean "not OK" and all those. That is why hubby always asks me a lot of times if he understands what i really mean to say, LOL! Guess, men don't really have to rely on words, but hubby is now getting used to it that he knows what i want. Having said that, I want to share with you men out there some nice tips on understanding your women.

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .... That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Things to think about.....

I haven't had time to even open my emails for the past two days. I was kinda busy with everything. I know i got my inbox full already and i have to get some of these off my list. Well, here is one of them I wanna share with you that husband sent me. There are some things to think about, some are funny though. Enjoy reading and enjoy the rest of the week.

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

6. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

12. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

14. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

15. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

16. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

17. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

18. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

19. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

20. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

22 Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

23. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

Husband and wife ......

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.

**********
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.
**********
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********
Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

**********
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

**********
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " A Billionaire"

**********
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: Thanks for the warning .

**********
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

The importance of walking....

I am one person who wants to lose weight or at least tone my muscles and badly need exercise but doesn't have the will to do it. I guess I am not really decided yet because i believe that losing weight is a major decision in life. It is something that once you decide to do it, that means you are ready and do yoru best to make it work. Walking is one great exercise but who wants to go out of the house in this freezing weather anyway? Well, i wanna share with you the importance of walking which i got in my email today. This is pretty hilarious!

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks, haven't lost a pound, apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND Every time I start thinking too much About how I look, I just find a Happy Hour And by the time I leave, I look just fine.