Monday, March 30, 2009

Ariline Cabin Announcements

This joke cracked me up big time! why? Because i can so relate to this when i was travelling some 5 years ago. I was always with my fellow students during those trips back and from the Philippines on school breaks. Filipino students in my batch were known to be the first ones to go home to the Philippines and the last to go back to Australia, usually a week after the classes started. Now, during those trips, i noticed they get those stuff like pillows, blankets and other cute things from the airline, LOL! I did not know we could take them, i was scared but tried it on my last flight, to be honest with you. It is not right, i know! But, at least i tried how it feels and believe me, it scared me to death, hehe!

Now, sharing with you a joke related to what i was talking about.

Airline Cabin Announcements: All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

We're now preparing to land at San Francisco International Airport. Kindly straighten up your seats, turn off all electronic gadgets, pull up your window shades and buckle up for safety. We hope you enjoyed flying with us as much as we did.

Sa wikang atin po, tayo po ay papalapag na sa paliparang pangkalawakang internasyonal ng San Francisco. Paalala po lamang sa ating mga kababayan -- ang mga unan, kumot, headset at iba pang kagamitan sa eroplano ay di po kasama sa pasalubong. Huwag po lamang baklasin ang LCD-TV na nakadikit sa silya. (In our own language, the plane is now preparing to land at the San Francisco International Airport. Just a few reminders to our fellow Filipinos - those pillows, blankets, headsets and other stuff in the plane are not included in your presents. Please don't take the LCD-TV off the chair.)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Wife defined...

What is a wife? Here are some definitions of a "wife" made by some people. Do you agree with these? Husbands usually make fun of us wives out there but i'm sure they will surely miss us whe we're gone, i just know, LOL!

David Bissonette: When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry: After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates: By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Anonymous: Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas: The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud: I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous: "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison: "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran: "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray: Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash: The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield: A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous: A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous: First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Friday, March 20, 2009

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

It is so hot over here in Western New York and then suddenly it rains in some parts. It has been like this, very unpredictable. If it is hot here in this part of the US, I wonder how it is in some states like in Arizona where I see deserts in the movies. Is it really that hot over there? Speaking about deserts, I got a funny story I want to share.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord

is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,

'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A Child's Book Report on the Entire Bible

Don't underestimate the brain of a child because most of the time, they talk with more sense than us adults. We just don't admit it but these kids are smart and can talk with sense. I am amazed sometimes by the way they reason out and answer tough questions. I find myself dumbfounded sometimes. Speaking of a child's mind, here is a child's book report on the Bible. I guess, you cannot do a smarter book report than this one, can you? Here it goes....

A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching? Through the eyes of a child: Children's Bible in a Nutshell.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes. During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.